Boulder Marriage Counseling with Dr. Wyatt Fisher
Looking for effective marriage counseling in Boulder, CO? I specialize in couples counseling and offer unique marriage intensives that can be extremely impactful. My office is ideally located at 703 Walnut St. Contact me today to get started!
What Goes Wrong In Marriages?
Couples don't get married hoping to get a divorce someday but over 50% do every year. What causes divorce you may ask? Here are a few things to consider.
When couples first start dating the focus is usually 100% on one another combined with continual deposits in their emotional bank account, such as frequent compliments, quality time, affection, fun, etc. Then, after saying "I do" many couples go from focusing on one another to focusing outward on the demands of life, such as careers, kids, finances, etc. As this shift occurs, couples slowly swap out their emotional deposits with withdrawals. Compliments may turn to criticisms. Frequent quality time may turn to rarely having alone time together. Regular affection may turn to cold and infrequent touch. As their desire for connection goes unmet, spouses tend to turn elsewhere for it. Some turn to their kids, others turn to hobbies, still others turn to pornography and affairs.
One's upbringing can also complicate factors in marriage. For example, if you had a parent who was cold and rejecting then you may feel overly hurt if your spouse is aloof. Conversely, if you were the center of your parent's world growing up then you may have unrealistically high expectations of how much attention your spouse should provide. In addition, if your parents never made time for you as a kid then it may be foreign for you to carve out quality time for your spouse. Almost no one was raised in a perfect family growing up. Therefore, most of us bring some issues from our childhood with us into our marriage, usually without realizing it. As these issues get triggered, couples tend to over-react to one another, often creating a vicious cycle. At the core, marriage is really about two children in adult bodies who just want to feel loved and cherished.
The third factor contributing to the demise of marriage is our culture. We live in a fast food culture where we want to feel happy at all times. Advertisers convince us frequently that we must upgrade our smart phones, cars, TVs, etc to the newest, shinier model and doing so will make us happy. Many of us take this same mentality into marriage where if we aren't happy then we must find someone new to make us happy. This is called the contract marriage where we are committed as long as our needs are met and we are satisfied. The moment we aren't, divorce becomes a viable option. This approach often limits couples from really resolving their marital problems because they continually hold divorce as a way out. In contrast, couples who approach marriage as a covenant view it as a life-long relationship. These couples believe the only grounds for divorce are abuse, adultery, and abandonment. These couples recognize that "in love" feelings in a marriage will ebb and flow so commitment cannot be 100% contingent upon their happiness level. Having said that, they also recognize the importance of happiness and dig in deep to solve their marital problems because they know they are in it for the long-haul.